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Recent News Letter
Unable to Adapt
April 25, 2026
“We want to be happy older people not grouchy old people.” I still hear my friend’s reminder echoing in my mind. Yes, we should want to be happy. As I age, I understand how easy it is to become grouchy. In our golden years we slow down and want things to stay the same so we can navigate through life easier. Just as we start to get a handle on new systems on the computer, or the way a store is laid out, everything changes again! Even clothes are constantly changing, like the perfect pair of walking pants are no longer made. The hardest part are all the constant changes in technology! Life is full of changes that we have to adapt to, but as we age, we don’t like change, thus the grouchiness.
For the cognitive impaired it is even harder to adjust. Getting through each day can be overwhelming, especially when we throw in changes to clothes, food, or a daily routine.
Years ago, my oldest daughter, her husband, and two grandchildren were coming to visit for a week. My daughter was excited to visit my mother at her memory care and introduce her 11 month old daughter to her grandmother. I tried to prepare my mother for the visit, and began talking about it two weeks in advance, counting down the days. The day before I brought up the subject multiple times. Still when we walked through the door, my mother looked so surprised. Fortunately, she took it well, but it could have easily become a bad situation. After hugging my 4 year old grandson, she turned to me and said, “You did not tell me he was coming.”
Why can’t we adapt to change if we are a dementia patient? Research from the University of Cambridge by Dr. Thomas Cope explains that damaged general intelligence brain networks are the culprit.
“At the heart of all dementias is one core symptom, which is that when things change or go unexpectedly, people find it very difficult.” Thomas Cope
The article went on to explain that dementia patients are slower at recognizing that something has changed. Multiple demand networks found at the front and rear of the brain are responsible for allowing us to be flexible in our environment. They are fundamental to how we perceive the world. If they are damaged, we cannot recognize change. Read More
If we cannot recognize change, how can we adapt to it? Caregivers need to be mindful of changes and prepare their patient for them. Adapting can be very difficult for them. We need to take the time to give multiple clues that there is going to be a change. While conversing stating that you are changing the subject might help the conversation flow better. Changes that will be happening in their schedule might be handled with a large scale calendar where you can mark off the dates thus counting down to the change or event. Then lovingly repeat, repeat, repeat. Hopefully, by incorporation signals that things are changing the response to change will be happy surprise.
Suggested Resources
Previous News Letters
Learning From Sad Situations
March 18th, 2025
Awareness of Alzheimer’s and other memory disease has increased significantly over the past fifteen years. However, there is still a lot more to be done. The recent death of a well-known couple has brought dementia care to the forefront again. Hopefully this will lead to more acknowledgment of the disease instead of finger-pointing. No family needs that. It is through awareness that we as a society can learn how to come alongside families that are affected by Alzheimer’s or other dementias.
Having taken the caregiver journey four times with our parents, my husband and I know what caregivers go through. It is natural to want to hide what is going on. Our precious loved one is disappearing slowly on a difficult journey. One filled with confusion for the patient as well as the caregiver. We don’t want them to be embarrassed or their reputation tarnished. Because memory disease affects communication and relationships, we associate it with shame. We have to get over the effects of the disease and focus on the fact that like any medical condition; it is a disease that can happen to anyone. We struggle to hide the consequences of the disease to protect their dignity. Instead, we need to embrace the disease and recognize it as such – a disease. Society does not think less of someone with cancer or heart disease.
We have learned over the years the importance of team-building. However, it can be hard to come alongside and help out because help is often pushed away. The nature of memory disease itself craves privacy. Not only does the patient want privacy, but the family members do, too. Life is no longer normal and we don’t want others seeing what is happening to our loved one. We tend to want to hide the outward signs: forgetfulness, agitation, acting out, and confusion that our loved one is experiencing. Thus, detachment sets in.
To prevent withdrawal, a team to back up the primary caregiver is a necessity. Not just one person, but several friends or family members that can take turns calling every day to make sure things are alright. Or to step in if the main caregiver becomes ill. Someone to get or order groceries and medications. A trusted family member to pay the bills, helping to remove stress from the situation. Rides to the doctor for the patient and caregiver so the trip will be relaxing for the caregiver. We in their community need to let caregivers and memory patients know we care and want to help. We don’t think any less of them because they are on this journey. After all, presidents, women basketball coaches, actors, actresses, exceptional businessmen and women, pastors, and even brilliant scientists (like my father) have suffered from memory disease. Caregivers need to know there is help out there and we want to come alongside them in love. By refusing to hide what is happening and speaking out boldly we will destroy the perceived shame associated with the disease.
Go to elizabethlonsethnovels.com/caregiverresourcepage and scroll down to find my suggestions for organizations where you can find help. My favorite is alz.com the Alzheimer’s Association. They have a 24/7 hotline. Also, on that resource page you can sign up for my monthly newsletter under “Subscribe.” And may I suggest my booklets A Gradual Disappearance and The Dangers of Denial on Amazon and Kindle for a more personal look at what can be involved with caregiving.
Wishing you the best on your journey, Elizabeth elizabethlonsethnovels.com elizabethlonsethnovels@cox.net
Strange Behavior
May 4th,2025
Our fourteen year old lemon beagle, Emma, has dementia, known as Canine, Cognitive Dysfunction or CCD. The symptoms are similar to what we humans experience:
1) Memory loss and confusion
2) Disorientation and getting lost
3) Changes in sleep patterns
4) Reduced activity with little interest in activities.
5) Difficulty with commands
6) Anxiety and aggression
If you are a family caregiver, these symptoms sound familiar. Dr. Julie Buzby’s article on Signs of Dementia in Dogs: Stages, Symptoms and Treatments goes further into the three stages for dogs. We are afraid Emma is entering the later stage as she is occasionally experiencing anxiety and some minor aggression. Very uncharacteristic for her. She is partially deaf and blind, adding to her confusion. Occasionally, at night she will spook at something that is not there and start barking. Sometimes she lets us hold her and she calms down. Other times, she does not recognize us. We know what to do, because all four of our parents suffered with some form of dementia. Applying that knowledge to Emma is another matter.
One of the hardest things to deal with as a family caregiver is our loved one’s aggression. It can be frightening and things can get out of control. What can we do about it? We need to learn how to approach them, coming alongside them and join them in their reality. Not condone their behavior but find a way to let them know we are there for them. They can’t change but we can.
First, we must try and figure out the source of the agitation. Perhaps it is fear, or pain, hunger, emotional hurt, over or under stimulation, or boredom. It can even be an undiagnosed medical condition. When we know the source, we can take steps to aliviate the problem. We must also revisit how we respond to them. Perhaps our normal behavior towards our loved one seems confrontational. Knowing how to approach your loved one in a way that diminishes their confusion and anger helps. We want to be proactive not reactive.
Most of the agitation can be avoided if we incorporate certain principles into their daily routine. The goal is to keep their mind in a “happy place.”
1) Their schedule is important as it gives them security. When there are going to be changes prepare them by talking about it ahead of time. They might not remember what you said but sometimes they do.
2) Validate them by listening to them, take time to sit with them.
3) Minimize or ban the word “No” from your vocabulary. Negative words trigger their emotions.
4) Redirect when dealing with a hard situation. Have favorite activities and treats to catch their attention and get them off the problem.
5) Music is a happy activity, especially if you play the tunes that were popular when they were age 10 to 25.
6) Snacks – for a lot of us a small chocolate chip cookie solves all our problems.
7) Maybe they are over stimulated or need more stimulation. Boredom allows our minds to go to the dark places.
Remember it’s not your loved one acting out, it is the disease. In my booklet A Gradual Disappearance there is a chapter called Coming Alongside that you might find helpful. And The Dangers of Denial is full of ways to calm tense situations. The Alzheimer’s Association has classes and information.
We are grateful the years we have had with Emma and each month we ask Our Maker for just one more.